The BS3000
2:58am
Dear Diary,
My boy has been experiencing what some would consider a “stuffy nose” - for him its probably more like constipation of the nostrils Lucky for us we had the wherewithal to purchase the “Booger Sucker 3000” battery operated edition, from our local Target a few months back. The other option is jamming one side of a hose deep onto his navel cavity and the other side into your mouth. Literally sucking the boogers out and hoping to God they get stuck In the booger catch before the green, slimy chunks end up covering your tonsils.
How’s that for a visual?
Make sure you have a toothpick
You’re going to need it.
At first glace, the thing looks like a - excuse me for being blunt - “female satisfaction device”. I was a little surprised when we found it in the baby section. The two double A batteries provide a 5 horse power motor that is apparently used for booger annihilation. A fact I am not sure I can support at this time. Slowly trying to jam the nozzle up a three day old’s tiny nostrils while my wife is laughing uncontrollably was kind of like someone with Parkinson’s disease trying to artificially inseminate a pig.
There are several different nozzle sizes, some almost big enough for mine and I am almost inclined to keep the BS3000 in the top drawer of my dresser for personal use. FOR BOOGERS, GOSH
Poor buddy isn’t fully aware that he is growing up in a day where a battery operated machine was invented and actually purchased with the sole intention of sucking his nostrils dry and trapping any unwanted boogers in a tiny glass bulb. I think we should save them, frame them and give them to him after he turns 18. Wrapped in newspaper with a big red boy to be given to him in front of his - sure to be beautiful - high school sweat heart on prom night.
““Boogers were not on my grocery list today””
Got off track.
I don’t think ill sleep tonight, but at least my nose is now - and will forever be - booger free
